How to Talk Canadian
Cautions to United States citizens
Hey, dere, bud! On today's Vocab Menace, we're gonna teach you some Canadian words, eh?
The number of US Citizens coming to Canada is up
According to the Globe & Mail, "From January to March, U.S. residents spent about $2.5-billion in Canada on tourism-related expenditures such as accommodations, food and entertainment, a more than 27-per-cent increase from the same period last year, according to preliminary data from Statistics Canada released Monday. Most of those trips have been for personal reasons, up to $2.03-billion from $1.65-billion in the same time period."
If you're visitin' the Great White North:
You better not be chirpin' or you're in for a tilly! So Jesus Murphy, let's give'r! Chirpin' means talking shit. Tilly means fight. Also, you Americans have your restrooms, and we have washrooms, but it's still the same water closet.
If you're from Texas or Florida, please note:
Lemme stop ya right dere, b'y. Yes, we have indoor plumbing in Canada! If you don't know how to use an indoor toilet, Google it, check YouTube, or the Hub, maybe.
A toque is a woolen cap you wear in winter so you don't lose your ears to frostbite. If you're cold, slip on a bunny hug. (That's a sweatshirt or a hoodie, to you hosers.)
Canadian Etiquette
If you go to a house party in Canada, first thing you gotta do is bring a two-four. (That's a case of 24 beers.) A 25-piece patio set means you're bringin' a two-four and a chair.
Take your friggin' shoes off as soon as you come through the door, why don't ya? And have a seat on the chesterfield (what you'd call a sofa or a couch).
If you're gonna rip a dart, be sure to ask the host first, cuz maybe they'd prefer you smoke that cigarette outside on the porch.
If you're not a drinker but want to bring somethin' fer your host, stop by Timmies and bring Timbits and a double-double. Timbits are what you call donut holes, and a double-double is two creams, two sugars.
Talking to Canadians
We aren't as direct as Americans. We're polite, sometimes to a fault. Someone once said a Canadian is someone who, when you step on his foot, he says sorry.
You gotta listen fer nuance, though. If someone says, "How're ya, bud?" that's a friendly greeting. However, if they say, "What's goin' on with you, bud?" that might be your only hint that they're about to pull yer shirt over yer head and give you a right old poundin'.
Bonus hints:
Don't be tourin' Canada in the middle of a blazin' heatwave with wildfires everywhere and think you're goin' bloody skiin' in Nova Scotia in July or August.
And don't be talkin' aboot a kerfuffle like takin' over a sovereign nation as if you're Orange Putin. We're Never 51 up here, bud! We're gonna have a donnybrook if you don't leave your MAGA hate hat at home.
Now go oot, let the wind blow the stink off ya, and talk like a Canuck! Everybody'll like you better, not just yer mudder.